Accentuate the Negative

Back when I was a single man, I had a very specific list of characteristics I desired in my future mate:  Sense of humor, intelligence, kind heart and obviously good looking.  My newly minted wife, before she was my newly minted wife, had her own list of desired traits for a partner:  sense of humor, intelligence, kind heart and obviously good looking.  Interestingly, we had the exact same list, but more interestingly, everybody has the exact same list.  The positive qualities that one desires in a partner are universal.  Therefore, what truly differentiates between some random guy you just met and a potential long term commitment is not the positive, but rather the negative.

When I think about qualities I least desire in a person (my so-called “deal breakers”), there really is only one thing that drives me continuously nuts.  I can’t stand dependency in people.  I don’t mean the dependency where your parents are helping you with the bills; I mean the debilitating dependency where a person can’t make a decision on their own.  The kind of dependency where a person can’t even manage their own day to day without calling their mother/father/sister/brother/BFF.  I have issues with people who can’t “hand their own business”.

That’s not to say they aren’t wonderful people (many of my friends are like this), but it is definitely something that is a huge turn off in a life partner.  For my newly minted wife, her “deal-breaker” is dishonesty.  She would rather here the brutal painful truth than have someone skirt around the issues.  She can’t stand it when people give her the runaround, even if it is in her own best interest sometimes.

I bring this up because I think women and men judge too quickly based on superficial information.  So what if he only delivers pizza; it doesn’t mean that he lacks ambition.  So what if he writes back-office software code for an investment bank; it doesn’t mean he boring.  Surface flaws aren’t necessarily bad, what truly makes a difference are the deeper “deal-breakers”, and this takes time to discover.

I think it is important to understand this because ultimately the negative sides of a partner matter much more than the positive in the long run.  Everybody has the same list of positive qualities, but the negative qualities truly differentiate between people, and in order to maintain a committed relationship you need to accept and love the negative sides of a person.

Therefore, try looking at the reverse angle.  Think about what are your true “deal-breakers”.  Over time you will learn more about your potential partner, and you will discover if they possess the qualities of your “deal-breaker”.  Unfortunately, if they do, it will be very hard to maintain a relationship and you should re-assess because it is difficult to be committed to someone who constantly disappoints you.  For example, it would be extremely difficult for me to be in a committed relationship with someone who is not independent in spirit.  Or, it would be extremely hard for my newly minted wife to marry someone who is fundamentally dishonest.

Take the time to get to know your potential new BF, and be willing to forgive their initial superficial flaws; you too have superficial flaws.  If you understand what you truly don’t want then you have a higher probability of avoiding bad relationships.

http://hellogiggles.com/accentuate-the-negative?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=accentuate-the-negative

Perfecting the Art of “Fake It Till You Make It”

Apparently, at some point I became a grown-up. Perhaps you unwittingly did as well. While my brain and wardrobe adamantly refuse to evolve past 1999, my body has betrayed me. It seems that strangers are in fact blind to the awkward teen living inside my head (and closet), and instead they see a capable, functioning adult woman.

Suckers!

The older I get, the more I realize that we’re all just “perma-kids,” or “ever-tweens” or “infi-tweens,” if you will. (I have trademarked all of these terms, so please refrain from marketing youth-enhancing serums under them, as there will be legal repercussions. Okay, that’s a lie, but just don’t, okay?).

For most of my life, I was completely certain anyone over a certain age had it all figured out. The suit-sporting professionals I rode the bus with? Obviously confident millionaires. The effortlessly cool coffee-shop patrons? Probably partying with rock stars every night. And anyone competent enough to care for children was clearly some sort of superhuman, next-level grown-up, impervious to the silly everyday worries an infi-tween like me obsessed over.

As it turns out, though, our moms, professors, bosses, dentists—even OPRAH, you guys–are just trying to make it through the day without surrendering to their insecurities and throwing a terrible twos-style hissy fit. But thanks goodness that’s all under wraps because no one wants to see their dentist cry.

The point is, if you, like me, haven’t yet adopted “Fake it Till You Make It” as your mantra for survival, it’s time. Because all the smart, successful, sassy grown-up types you’re idolizing or envying are absolutely full of it, and that’s what makes them great.

Just pretending you know what you’re doing can have a massive impact on what you actually do. This is not an endorsement for attempting to leap tall buildings in a single bound. And this definitely doesn’t imply that insincerity is a standard to strive for. But imagining yourself as a calm, collected expert at life can really revolutionize your day-to-day.

According to my social psychology textbook (by the way, that’s a great example of faking my expertise in a subject I haven’t studied in six years in order to make a paycheck teaching it to undergrads), studies have shown well-adjusted people “have unrealistically positive views about the self,” “have exaggerated perceptions of control,” and “are prone to unrealistic optimism.” So as a writer-faking-it-as-a-psych-expert, I take this to mean that if we want to be happier people who achieve awesome things, we should start by envisioning ourselves as happier people that achieve awesome things. I know my analysis is quite scientific, but try to stay with me.

Self-deprecation is second-nature to some of us (this I am an expert in). But it’s entirely unproductive and stops being cute after the fiftieth apology-laden email or hyper-critical monologue. I should know—I had two people tell me to knock it off this week. HelloGiggles’ resident relationship aficionado and self-assured powerhouse, Erin Foster has already kicked off the Confidence Campaign 2012, and if you haven’t jumped on the bandwagon (guilty), it’s time. Because really, what have you got to lose? If you practice the fakery long enough, it becomes automatic and then even life’s most epic failures will seem more manageable because you’ll know your greatness can handle them.

So go ahead and project your big, booming Oprah voice to the world. But be confident enough to let yourself throw a private hissy fit now and then, too. Your inner perma-kid™ will appreciate it.

http://hellogiggles.com/perfecting-the-art-of-fake-it-till-you-make-it?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=perfecting-the-art-of-fake-it-till-you-make-it

On Children

My friend Naomi, a successful consultant in the Bay Area, told me that an invitation arrived in her office mailbox one day. It was for her 20th high school reunion.

She opened it.  She looked at it. And she looked around her office and said to no one, “Oh my God! I forgot to have kids!”

I think of Naomi when I get emails requesting that I write an article about choosing to have children or not.

Now, I’m not sure if the people writing these emails are looking for advice, or if they want me to convince them make one choice or the other – but I do know it’s a delicate topic.  So, this week, I’ll look at it from different angles.

Here’s something to remember.

When it comes to making life decisions, there’s no amount of “convincing” that will work.  Decisions are deeper than “reasons.”  Reasons are mental activity. Decisions are of the soul and the will.

Besides, I only know what it’s like to not have children.  I’m sure I’d write a different article if I ever chose to reproduce or adopt.  All choices come fully equipped with highs and lows, gifts and sacrifices, fears and fallacies.  There’s no right answer here.

The pressure to have kids is definitely present in any woman’s life.  Actually, I’m not sure if “pressure” is the right word.  Perhaps “assumption” is a more accurate word.  “You’re a woman. You will want children.”

In my experience, there are a few universal beliefs about having children that often accompany this assumption:

– Kids make you less selfish

– Kids teach you how to love unconditionally

– Kids keep you young

– Kids show you your life purpose

– Kids will make you less lonely when you get old

– Kids will take care of you when you’re feeble-minded

(I happen to believe you could insert many words into those statements. Try “Art,” for instance. Or “Dogs.”)

Now, some of these are lovely, true, and powerful reasons.

But some of them come from a place of fear.  And I happen to believe that fear is a lousy motivator.

For instance, an older woman once told me that having kids would prevent me from getting old all alone.  A moment of panic set in.  “Quick!” shouted the committee in my head. “Get pregnant!  You don’t ever want to be alone!”

But here’s the thing.

When you make choices out of fear, then you set your life up to be about avoiding pain, not about moving towards love.

As some success coaches ask: “Are you playing to win?  Or are you playing to not lose?”   (“Do you want to have children? Or are you afraid not to?”)

When it comes down to it, the deepest reason to have kids seems to be:

“Because I truly want them.”

It’s a deeper longing.  A knowing that parenthood is the right thing. It goes beyond “reasons.”

Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t some unbalanced emotional longings behind those longings.  Like, how cool Angelina Jolie looks in all her pregnant photos and wanting to be that cool.  Or how boring our marriage has become so let’s have a kid.  Or that it’s just the next thing you’re supposed to do because you can’t think of anything else.

So, then, as with any decision, I would begin here:

“What is the motivation behind the choice?”  “What’s the longing behind the longing?”

You might find a mix of really deep reasons and really dumb reasons. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have kids if you find some fearful or petty stuff among your answers. But the awareness of that stuff might go a long way to making you a happier parent, and making it a deeper choice.

@http://christinekane.com/should-you-have-kids/

So Much For Those Happy Endings

Do me a favor.  Go through in your head the chick flicks you like.  Now try and come up with one where the ending doesn’t involve someone getting engaged, married or into a relationship.  I’m guessing you’re going to come up close to empty.

I can think of exactly one movie I’ve seen that ended this way, and it’s a movie I hated precisely because it ended this way.  It was Becoming Jane, and I remember leaving the theater in an actual rage, because how dare I pay money to go see a romantic comedy that didn’t end with the girl and the guy getting together?  It did not matter to me that the moral of the movie was that she was Jane Austen, writer of amazing chick lit before that was even a term.  Nope, because she didn’t have a Darcy of her own, I wasn’t interested in her story.  I believed that movies were for escapism, and that they should all have happy endings.

The thing is, the movies that have a happy ending have just that – an ending.  The story finishes when everything’s looking great – two people are just about to embark on some great adventure together and we can believe that nothing but the best will happen to them.  There’s no need for the movie to show the day-to-day tedium of being in a relationship, or any of the inevitable and possibly relationship-ending changes people go through.  No, the movies get to end things on a high note, and we as an audience get to suspend our disbelief and think that everything really will be happily ever after.

It’s a great trick that they can play in movies, this ending just when everything’s looking great.  Let me tell you, it works much, much less well in real life.  In fact, it doesn’t work at all in real life because you can’t just press pause the moment everything works out as you’d hoped.  Life goes on, and those perfect moments aren’t glorified with credits rolling while an inspiring pop song plays, they become mere moments that get lost in all the other things we have going on in our lives.

I’m a victim of trying to use romantic comedy plotting in my own life.  Sophomore year of college, I started dating this guy, but we both knew it wasn’t going to last because he was going to grad school on the other side of the country and I was headed off to a study abroad program.  So of course, I, the cold, heartless cynic, fell hard for him, but of course, I couldn’t admit my own feelings.  We went our separate ways and I tried to move on, but couldn’t, and just as I thought I might admit how I felt, I found out he was dating some girl in grad school.  Fast forward a few months and I decided to dramatically declare my feelings anyway, and of course the day I chose to do so was the day after he’d gotten dumped by his girlfriend, of course he felt the same way, and of course we were going to make it work long distance.

It sounds like the plot of a movie, and if it were a movie, that’s when the story would have ended.  Frankly, it’s when the story should have ended in real life, too, but instead, I had this one perfect moment that I had to try and turn into a whole perfect relationship.  Needless to say, this was easier said than done, and the relationship ended up dragging on longer than I should have let it, mostly because I believed that if it had begun in such a perfect way, surely it was meant to be.  It took me a long, long time to realize that just because your life has started to resemble the plot of a romcom does not mean you are making correct choices.

In real life, there are no fairy tale endings, and even fairy tales have started to acknowledge that happily ever after might not look as dreamy as imagined.  For now, I’m going to stop worrying about the happy endings and focus on the happy right nows.  The too-good-to-be-true movie moments are something I’ll savor in the moment, not something I’ll try and build an entire life around.  If I’m really lucky, I’ll fictionalize those moments and turn them into bestselling literature, but I suppose we can’t all become Jane.

-Andrea Greb @ http://hellogiggles.com/so-much-for-those-happy-endings?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=so-much-for-those-happy-endings